NDNation Virginia Tech Preview

(ED. NOTE: We don’t write these ourselves! We aren’t insane! This is part of a recurring series in which we compile actual posts from NDNation’s flagship forum, Rock’s House, into a semi-coherent narrative. Original post and explanation is here. We do this every week. Thank you for not yelling at us on Twitter anymore.)

Expectations have changed i’m just in for the tailgate/party could care less about the game. No way in hell am I wearing green or making noise like they tell me to. I won’t be watching Saturday. I expect to lose to every team with a pulse AND lay a wet turd in at least one other game. Our offensive scheme is akin to a bum’s nutsack: It reeks and nobody wants to see it.

Kellys system is the worst i have ever seen. The notion that that Chipper improved the dogshit system a lick is folly. It sucks monkey balls. The only “fix” for Kelly’s system is the toilet. BK is not stubborn; he’s possessed of that special kind of stupid that defies mere mortals’ meager attempts at understanding. To him it’s all a matter of faith. He’s ND’s special Catholic mystery. Genuflect in his general direction, lads and lassies, as he dwells amongst us. Sing hosannas, while the hometown media swings the green-smoking censers of sickly fetid CBD-oiled RPOness.

Anyone who believes we’re a few recruits away from legitimately competing for a national championship is delusional. I would like to see most of the staff (if not all of it) encouraged to explore similar portals. That includes BK, Long, Lea, and Quinn. None of them appeared to have taken their responsibilities seriously. Perhaps someone can organize a Gofundme campaign to help defray the costs of any buyouts.

Our teams now are weak minded and soft just like their coach. Kelly’s obvious solution will be to lobby for a dome over ND Stadium. my dislike for Kelly plummeted even deeper into my soul. It’s hard to articulate all the reasons why I want him gone. It’s one of those Greek myth wormy things that sucks it’s own ass.

was Kevin White a better AD than Jack? At this point, I think it’s clear that White was better. A steamy bowl of diarrhea vs lumpy turd links. Laughing the entire way until the second flush was complete.

I actually think the new NCAA rules might help recruiting. As long as no ND athlete’s image appears in Columbus mural Jenkins is okay with today’s NCAA ruling. Recruits will think ND Football w/ BK image on Cologuard box. For the uninitiated, Cologuard is the company that has you shit in their box and send it off to parts unknown.

The next guy we hire should be a cold-eyed professional killer who has been there before. I’m sick of amateurism. Only one replacement for Brian Kelly: MATT RUHLE. Why? He’s not Saban. “ND deserves the best”! Would ND hire a divorcee? Fleck is a chode.

So how do we make Urban happen? Dead woman or live boy might be our only options given the leadership. The High Rollers need to turn up the gas jets. The same folks who paid for Kelly’s turf, Jumbotron and neo-Nazi stadium addition. As a Catholic I believe in the opportunity for repentance. Sometimes in the form of 5 years and $50 million. Urban could have Fr. Jenkins hear his Confession and then promise to sin no more and to avoid the near occasion of sin. Problem solved.

Parade both Meyer and Kelly to the steps of the Administration Building. Meyer is cloaked in all white signifying the triumphant return of our most loyal son. Kelly appears from the shadows in an all black soaking wet rain suit. Head down in shame. An “I got T-bagged in Ann Arbor” sign draped around his neck. The crowd must now choose.

We’d have the biggest, meanest asshole in college football on our sideline. We’d steal recruits and talk shit and fuck people up. And if they don’t like it, they can read our shirts. Our shirts would say, “ND: suck our dicks”. Or they’d say “ND: do stuff to our vag’s.” We would rule.