This post — an unholy amalgamation of NDNation insanity into a sort of Frankenstein’s monster Michigan preview — is entirely unoriginal. Literally all I did was copy-paste and sort into each section (you’d be surprised where each post ends and the next begins). Think of it as an involuntary guest column from the folks over at NDN. Haters gonna say it’s “selectively edited” and “without context” and “intellectually dishonest.” To which I reply…lol, so what. Talk to me when you don’t play host to sad, perverse fantasies about “someone breaking [Brian Kelly’s] teeth with a fist.”

Intro

I haven’t been to a game since 2013, and have become so ambivalent about Irish football specifically, and in turn college football generally, that I’m only vaguely aware that the season is starting soon. It’s a little depressing. ND is batting a big fat 0 for 7 in games I’ve had to miss to attend weddings. I feel like we’re going to get stomped.

Life, in the football prison that is ND under lord god king assclown Kelly, is as depriving and frustrating in the extreme, as is prison in general. “Winnable”. What does that mean? It usually means a loss. We will be 6-6 or 7-5. Michigan will kill us. I have found increasingly that hating Michigan just is not worth the hassle anymore. ND Football is truly dead.

I’m so forlorn and conflicted? What am i to do? The Internet has ruined all my fun…I can’t wait for the season to be over.

How To Watch

Don’t. Hopefully you will in the arms of a beautiful french woman at that hour. Don’t sully your trip by streaming jack and Brian on your laptop. And, if we sing enough stanzas of “I Like to Buy the World a Coke” we might spare ourselves the agony of watching another Kelly unfold and collapse.

Radio Disney will broadcast all our games. Radio Barnum & Bailey came in close second for the broadcasting rights. But for our failures and buffoonery, we are yesterday’s news.

ND Offense

we were a physical offense last yeat? at times, I suppose. The stats are very misleading from 2017 on running the football. Kelly’s offense is certainly more em-BARE-ASS-ing. Considering how often he’s had his panties pulled down.

How can numbnutz really trot wimbush out there. I shouldn’t even give a crap anymore and in general. We are trully screwed. he’ll be sitting back and slinging it around as Kelly, screaming and ranting all the while, tries in vain to force a square peg into a round hole. knumbsckull, asshat system.

Almost everyone covering the team seems enamored with Armstrong’s potential. Big, thick kid. If only Kelly believed in a deuce backfield and fullback…Oh, he’s got a deuce of a backfield alright. he puts a deuce on the field with regularity. When he’s rolling, you can just smell it coming. He’s left enough deuces on the field the last eight years. Brian Kelly’s life story…always #2.

Kelly’s pig-simple offense may actually work against a defense early in the year. imo he may attempt to use Finke as a Welker, Woodhead, Amendola type receiver. Chase Claypool’s traits have improved and we have an article about it. Brian Kelly is the only football coach I know of that talks so much about “traits”, and calls everything that. Seems odd.

Tony Jones on the offensive philosophy: It’s a “pick your own poison” offense. We will poison ourselves.

Michigan Offense

A new QB can be a wild card. Is he ready for his September Heisman Coronation? He’s used to playing sandlot football. ND will most likely lose, but I don’t think it will be because of Patterson. Shea Butter is soft. It makes me want to throw up.

um o line starters…big, dumb, and slow. That group will underwhelm or be average at best. the thing about football is…that the dang ball ain’t quite round. It’s shaped pretty much like a football.

Think about it.

ND Defense

Clark Lea has no business working for a guy like Brian Kelly. overall I just don’t think the talent level is as good as some of these homers are hyping it to be. Just because a bunch of starters are back doesn’t make for a good/great defense.

Wishful thinking is what the ND football “brand” is built on. Please, let me know how Lea is going to attack. He has nothing and I mean nothing on his resume’ that suggests he’ll get after anything.

Michigan Defense

Michigan football’s defense is championship caliber…for me to poop on. The opposition scoops up the pig and chortle all the way to the end zone.  You know, when the breaks are beating the boys and stuff.

ND telegraphs its running game worse than a 6th grade CYO football team. The defense will dictate to ND’s offense and not the other way around. I’m thankful our punter’s leg is fresh.

Conclusion

Can we still criticize Kelly if we beat UM? we have a chance to be good as long as our head coach resists every coaching instinct he has and acts like someone else. No matter what he does, he is always going to a low-rent, shanty, lace Irish mick. ND is Judas, and it deserves every horrible thing that comes its way. May God have mercy on his soul.

Kelly doesn’t qualify as “running a program”. Maybe “ruining a program”. We still have nimrods posting on social media that Kelly is everything we could possibly want in a coach. SMF (Simple Minded Fucks). They’ve already won…I’ll be fast asleep on a meager balance of small batch gin and scotch after playing 18 at Carnoustie. I might check the score a week later.