10 Things I Hate About You: Michigan

  1. We hate Michigan because Knute Rockne hated Michigan. Knute Rockne hated Michigan because (noted racist) Fielding Yost hated (Irish-Catholic) Notre Dame. ND beat UM in 1909 and Yost basically responded with “I’m not owned, this is funny to me.” He refused to face the Irish again, and tried to suffocate the program by blackballing other Midwest schools into doing the same. As it turns out, Yost accidentally gifted the Irish the national schedule the university follows to this day. Thanks, fucker!
  2. Jim Harbaugh is literally insane, and he “truly believes” the top four “natural steroids” are, in order, sleep, whole milk, water, and steak. Just imagine what this dude’s shits are like.
  3. Ann Arbor stole away Ann Perkins and Chris Traeger from Leslie Knope and Pawnee. Yeah, the move was a mutual decision made by Ann and Chris and also it is a fictional event on a scripted television show, but so what, let me feel my feelings.
  4. The fight song. The song, the song, the song. I can hear it now. Make it stop. Make the bad song stop. Enough song. (We are all this baby.)
  5. Wolverines are just big weasels. Wikipedia informs us that “in Greek culture, a weasel near one’s house is a sign of bad luck, even evil.” Wolverines are big evil.
  6. Desmond Howard is the biggest homer in college football media (thanks, Lou, for finally retiring) and takes every opportunity to shit on Notre Dame. Unsurprisingly, Howard just picked UM to win it all this season, and claims Shea Patterson might be a better runner than Brandon Wimbush. Rocket was better.
  7. The Big House is overrated, and especially ugly when it’s not sold out.
  8. They claim all-time #1 in wins because they got a huge head start — in terms of winning percentage, the winner on September 1 will emerge as the current leader (since our 2012 wins still count, obviously).
  9. I still wake up from nightmares of shitty running quarterbacks beating us in heartbreaking fashion — Tate Forcier (2009), Denard Robinson (2010 & 2011), and Devin Gardner (2013).
  10. Remember when a bunch of players got high in the locker room and lost to Appalachian State? At home? Puuuuuure Michigan.

2 Replies to “10 Things I Hate About You: Michigan”

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