Brian Kelly: Mad Man

One strange feature of this college football season has been seeing high profile, notoriously cranky, and already extremely rich head coaches appearing in ad campaigns for brands of varying prominence. It’s nothing new — for example, Jim Harbaugh previously leveraged his weird steak and a tall glass of whole milk habit to promote Fairlife — but it’s still odd to see Harbaugh hocking detergent (because he’s a famous pants-wearer) and Nick Saban of all people giving up valuable ‘crootin time to sell insurance and yuck it up for the official bank of the SEC. Perhaps that helps explain why I had never heard of this particular bank.

While there’s an avenue of discussion here about how coaches are (rightfully) able to monetize their likeness while players are (wrongfully) not, I’d rather use it as an opportunity to punch up a few ideas for Brian Kelly, who has yet to appear in a national ad campaign. I get that these ads are often hokey and cringe-inducing, but hey, we’re fresh off an ACC Network broadcast and kitschy ads are on my mind. Brian, if you like any of these ideas, just have your people reach out to my people.

  • A car commercial in the vein of Matthew McConaughey’s quasi-philosophical Lincoln ads, but it’s monsooning outside, and BK is extolling the virtue of the Honda Civic and how you can still absolutely floor it in the rain, because you dictate your gameplan to nature, not the other way around.
  • #BKHomeboy fathead. How does this not already exist, guys?
  • A seminar on how to cut toxic people out of your life.
  • Is Melania Trump’s anti-bullying #BeBest campaign still a thing? Brian, don’t read the NDNation roundups, please, mental health is deeply important.
  • Bring back Jaylon, Manti, Drue, etc. for a group Backer TV spot, advertising the new and improved Chip Long Island. This one’s a no brainer.
  • Anthony Travel campaign with Sun Bowl BK and Maui Brey. Perhaps this could come in handy in time for our upcoming trip to the Bahamas Bowl.
  • Tandem home improvement idea: a lawn care company that installs artificial turf and an electronics outlet that installs jumbo-sized outdoor televisions, furnished in such a way to infuriate neighbors and friends to the point where they refuse to visit your house, therefore releasing you of tiresome social obligations.
  • I’d rather not know Brian Kelly’s politics but it would be funny to see him endorse someone other than Pete Buttigieg.
  • Perhaps a PR campaign for Under Armour is in order, given that they are in truly horrific shape and under investigation for accounting fraud. Yikes!
  • A local hardware store whose tools BK uses to build a trophy case for all the rivalry bling currently residing in South Bend (please win out and keep them in house).
  • I haven’t seen the Marvel movies but I am pretty sure he could pass for the big purple monster guy with minimal CGI.
  • This one might actually be necessary: a Vivid Seats campaign in which he and the ticketing department beg ND fans to not sell all their tickets to the Clemson game next year to people wearing orange.
  • A hearty thank you to the network television gatekeepers at NBC who rescued one of our most delightful sitcoms, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, from the brink of extinction in mid-2018. And wouldn’t you know it,  Irish home games are broadcast exclusively on NBC. Notre Dame fans are already reputed to be cops, lending some sweet synergy to this potential crossover.
  • If you’ve spent any time at all reading the aforementioned NDNation roundups, you know there’s a truly exorbitant amount of talk about, well, the bathroom. Shit sandwiches and the like. This is nothing but a clear market opportunity! Lest we forget, one Rock’s House denizen previously suggested a marketing synergy with Cologuard (Google it yourself, or better yet, don’t). I’d prefer a more recognizable brand name — Tums, maybe? Unless there’s an entrepreneurial South Bend plumber that could get the head coach on board. Lots of possibilities here — after all, we are Tight End U (I’M SO SORRY).

Now that I’ve spent an unacceptable amount of brain power thinking of these terrible ideas, please comment or Tweet us ideas of your own. Thanks.

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