10 Things I Hate About You: Clemson

  1. I’m conflicted that I actually…kind of…like…Dabo…now…? Hello, cognitive dissonance. But that “bring your own guts” shtick from 2015 was objectively stupid. I bring my own guts everywhere I go, every day of my life, thanks.
  2. Wait a second. Do I actually like Dabo or am I just charmed by his aw shucks Southern charisma? Let’s check the tape:
    • When asked about potentially paying student-athletes, he threatened to quit, saying, “I’ll go do something else, because there’s enough entitlement in this world as it is.” I know right, wanting to be paid for your labor is so fucking gauche.
    • He recently noted that Clemson would not be ponying up for any official visits in the spring, saying, “If a guy won’t come here unofficially, on their own, he’s not coming here for four years. I want guys that have a little pain to get here.” The generous reading here is that he’s unfortunately thoughtless in failing to consider that a trip to campus may be prohibitively expensive for a number of recruits’ families. Or maybe he’s just intentionally trying to inflict, as he himself calls it, pain.
    • On the topic of players skipping bowl games, he complained, “Everybody kind of lives their life in fear…I personally don’t live my life that way — wrap yourself in bubble wrap. You can get hurt doing anything.” Yeah, dude, you don’t personally live your life that way because you’re already making SEVEN MILLION dollars a year.
    • …..yeah, this guy sucks.
  3. The Tigers that we’re used to facing in the postseason have the moral courage to keep a live mascot on campus, but all Clemson can muster is some clown in a tiger suit wearing a jersey. GO GET A REAL TIGER, PUT UP OR SHUT UP YOU COWARDS.
  4. The Clemson football Wikipedia page tells us that “noted television announcers Brent Musburger and Ara Parseghian” were grand marshals at a Clemson first friday parade. This level of disrespekt towards one of the best coaches of all time will not be tolerated!
  5. The college football world as a whole could have done without the Tigers returning that entire monster defensive line. Clelin Ferrell, Christian Wilkins, and Austin Bryant all chose to forgo the NFL draft to team up with fellow stud Dexter Lawrence (oops) and just generally do mean stuff in opposing backfields. How would you guys like it if Josh Adams and EQSB were on this Irish team, huh?
  6. Clemsoning was such a fun, easy euphemism for choking! It’s honestly too bad they found a way to become actually really good. RIP to a good verb.
  7. Howard’s Rock, that chunk of stone Clemson players touch on their way downhill onto the Memorial Stadium field, is named after former coach Frank Howard. Thing is, ole Frank used that rock (it was gifted to him) as a doorstop for years. When he cleaned out that office, he told a booster to “throw it over the fence or out in the ditch.” Naturally, that same booster put the rock, which was literally supposed to be garbage, on a pedestal in the football stadium. Uhhh, cool tradition!
  8. The Tigers won their first national championship in 35 years on the same exact pick play we got flagged for in Tallahassee. No, we’re never gonna let this go, deal with it.
  9. Could you imagine NDN’s reaction if players started getting baptized during practice in Rubbermaid ice tubs? Would it be good or bad? Aren’t we supposed to be the ostentatiously religious ones? Why didn’t the world talk more about this shit? I’m lost.
  10. If ND finds a way to win you know we’ll have to hear about how the victory isn’t as legitimate because of Dexter Lawrence’s ostarine absence (fun to say). In reality, he’ll likely be replaced by a rotating door of former four-star recruits — life as a blue chip program is oh so hard.

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