10 Things I Hate About You: Southern Cal

  1. Refusing to play in South Bend in November sucks shit it’s no coincidence the game concludes the regular season only in even years. Grow a pair.
  2. The Trojans claim to be tied with us at 11 championships and 7 Heisman winners, but they count the bullshit AP championship in 2003 and Reggie Bush’s forfeited Heisman. If we counted non-consensus natty’s we’d have over 20. Cool competition you got there, be a real shame if someone moved the goalposts!
  3. A whole generation of LA sports fans grew up without an NFL team and adopted the Pete Carroll-led Trojans as their local team. You’d be surprised how often you’d hear “I like USC in football and UCLA in basketball” in the mid-2000s — I wish I was joking.
  4. Their goddamn band. I know Ken Dye has his flaws, but at least we play something that isn’t the fight song every once in a while.
  5. The Coliseum, aka the House that OJ Built, is the worst place to watch a college football game, period. It was developed for the Olympics and never properly renovated or retrofitted to accommodate football. There is no seat in any modern college football stadium as bad as the opposing fan section in the soon-to-be United Airlines Memorial Coliseum (sellouts!). And there is no sight uglier than a half-empty Coliseum every other year since the Poodle era ended.
  6. Unfortunately, we have to talk about the Bush Push game. I don’t care that the never-called push penalty wasn’t flagged; I’m still pissed that weak, slow (sad!) Matt Leinart fumbled out of bounds on the prior play. If he fumbles in bounds or goes down, the clock runs out and the game is over; if the refs accurately spot the ball at the 4 instead of the 1, SC kicks and we go to OT. Brady deserved better.
  7. Their mascot, Traveler. I want that horse dead.
  8. Bad Greek mythology the Men of Troy were the idiots who accepted the Trojan Horse, which ravaged their city, and yet it’s their mascot and a symbol of pride?
  9. Cheaters!!!
    1. Exhibit A: Recruiting during the Pete Carroll era. Boosters bought Reggie Bush’s parents a damn house. Who can forget Marc Tyler telling TMZ that USC football players got paid more than NFL players?
    2. Exhibit B: The OG “deflategate.” 
  10. The clown head coach succession of Pete Carroll → Lane Kiffin → Steve Sarkisian. From 9/11 truther to ultimate troll to on-the-job binge-drinker. Now they appreciate their current coach so much they’re crowdfunding newspaper ads against him (sounds familiar!) Time to put ole Clay out of his misery.

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