10 Things I Hate About You: Northwestern

The 2014 game. Hazy two-point conversion math, botched field goal place-holding, and this going viral:
Every current Northwestern student’s name is Chad. This just feels like it’s true, on a real gut level.
Northwestern gave a degree to the most insufferable, uber-capitalistic, absolute bozo sportswriter in the country — one Darren Rovell.
Northwestern also seemingly gave a degree to every insufferable bozo sportswriter in America. Your team is not good, and we’re tired of hearing about them.
Exhibit B: Mike Wilbon, proud alum. He still hasn’t gotten over the fact that Ty Willingham apparently wasn’t given a fair shot by ND in the interview process (even though we eventually hired him after the O’Leary debacle). Wilbon’s narrative quickly shifted to ND not giving its first black head coach a chance and firing him after three seasons even though the 2007 roster told you everything you have to know about Ty’s piss-poor recruiting.
The billboards throughout Chicago branding Northwestern as “Chicago’s Big Ten team” are more meme than successful advertisement. Nobody in the city of Chicago that didn’t graduate from Northwestern gives a shit about Wildcat sports. And, oh yeah, the school’s in Evanston.
I hate hearing about Pat Fitzgerald as the next great Notre Dame coach anytime our team struggles or Northwestern squeaks above the .500 mark.
Resale tickets to the game are very expensive and limited thanks to Northwestern’s tiny stadium — and we’ll still probably top their fan turnout in the stadium.
They didn’t appreciate Ara Parseghian and let him walk after he took their program to unprecedented heights. Fucking losers.
When we were on campus, Northwestern kids used to join the ND freshmen Facebook groups every year, pose as Domers-to-be and mess with actual incoming freshmen by asking next-level dumb questions. I’ve never understood it — nerds trolling nerds, trying to feel like the superior nerds. It’s probably the least cool thing you could possibly spend your time doing. Get a life, damn.