10 Things I Hate About You: Navy

    1. Navy has weaponized cut blocking to a ridiculous extent, and it opens the door to all kinds of lower body injuries. While I understand the important role the cut block serves as an equalizer on the football field (hey, now my 185 lb running back can slow down that 250 lb defensive end!), maybe don’t have all eleven guys do it every single play for four quarters. Just an idea.
    2. The triple option sucks to watch. If I wanted to watch the QB check seven times and then run fullback dive for the fourteenth time this drive, I’d invent a time machine and go back to 1906, and then I’d jump off a bridge.
    3. Midshipmen of the United States Naval Academy: not actually heroes! As someone serving in the active duty military, I am of the opinion that we should wait until they actually commission before granting them full status as Troopz and enshrining them as all that is pure and good about America. Remember — they are just glorified ROTC cadets, and as football players, they dodge a good chunk of that nonsense anyway.
    4. Related: anybody remember watching that Navy WR dive at Robert Blanton’s knees from behind, well after the play? I ‘member. HEROES.
    5. Ken Niumatalolo. Holy cow that guy sucks.
    6. Let me throw you a bone here, Middies: your uniforms are routinely absolute fire, particularly the alternates. Occasionally, this makes me feel grudging admiration, when really I would prefer to feel loathing and disdain.
    7. Remember when both teams wore the same uniform base layers, with RESPECT HONOR TRADITION written on them? And then ND came out flat and played like dogshit? There is a zero percent chance the Navy coaches spend a single second telling their players how much they should love and respect ND before the game. Food for thought.
    8. Navy canceled classes after they beat ND in 2007, ending a 43-game losing streak. It only took playing the worst Notre Dame football team since the creation of the universe to do it. Congrats, Midshipmen! Well done!
    9. “Navy saved Notre Dame during WWII” makes it sound like a.) the University was careening off a cliff, not facing a temporary shutdown, and b.) it was an act of philanthropic goodwill, which, gentle reader, it was not. If I pay your rent on the condition that I get to move in with you and bring my entire extended family and also run a business out of your bedroom, maybe I’m not actually owed a hundred years of undying devotion when I move out.
    10. This series should have been canceled 30 years ago. It is the ultimate lose-lose matchup, and we voluntarily participate in it every single year. (I would genuinely like to see a Notre Dame AD pull the trigger on canceling this thing, just to watch the absolutely nuclear takes that would ensue. People would rather dynamite Hesburgh Library than cancel this series).
    11. Bonus Round: Got your Gilman, bitch! I hope Alohi has a fumble recovery TD on the first play.

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