10 Things I Hate About You: Virginia Tech

  1. Can we talk again about how one of their former assistant coaches used recruiting trips to facilitate his extramarital affair? It’s pretty fucked up in and of itself, but by far the wildest part is that another guy, whose wife apparently knew said coach (biblically), tweeted the hell through it. I guess it’s not the worst reaction to your partner sleeping with someone else, but it’s certainly one of the most public.
  2. Thanks for depriving us of a potential top 10 road win, dipshits! If the Hokies hadn’t lost to OLD DOMINION, the Irish would (depending on VT’s hypothetical ranking) have had an opportunity to knock off two top 10 teams in a row for the first time since 1989.
  3. Plus, that loss reminds me of our 2010 March Madness upset at ODU’s hands. At least that was a tournament team! ODU football is otherwise winless this year, with losses to Liberty (LOL how?), FIU (lmao), Charlotte (woof), and ECU (hah). They suck!
  4. Steve Bannon, noted Notre Dame fan and sentient bag of pus, shirt collars, and racism, is a VT grad.
  5. If you’ve ever played Madden against the 2004 Falcons you’ve definitely thrown a controller through your television, which feels like Tech’s fault since they gave us Michael Vick.
  6. “Hokie” is a made-up word. It’s fake. They used to be called the Fighting Gobblers (oOoOoh I’m quaking in my boots) and later changed their mascot to a nonsense word from an old, wack-ass chant. Look at this shit, it clearly does not slap:Capture
  7. I stumbled across this awful webpage talking about their “brand platform” and “the spirit of our brand” and “bringing our brand to life” and “the bedrock of our brand.” You can even download a “brand book.” Cool it, guys. I’m a Notre Dame alum and even I know this is lame.
  8. Their primary colors are burnt orange and “Chicago maroon.” No, bitch, Chicago is ours.
  9. Virginia is just Worse Maryland.
  10. Okay this is kind of a big one: the university was built by a bunch of TRAITORS. The school’s first five presidents were all members of the Confederate army or government. It’s not surprising, then, that the father of the VT Corps of Cadets was a Confederate general (the school’s oldest building is still named after him). Their third president was a Confederate spy who conspired to kill the Union’s Commanding General and kidnap Abe Lincoln from the White House! They didn’t stop actively using the Confederate flag on campus and at athletic events (???) until the late 1960s. Fuck all that!

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